Can ChatGPT commit defamation? A lawyer would say that defamation of a public figure requires a false statement of fact made with knowledge or reckless disregard of its falsity. But do these doctrines, which were created with humans in mind, even make sense when the "defendant" is a computer system? I will argue that answering these legal questions requires us to confront deep philosophical problems about the nature of language and thought. Along the way, I will revisit some of the classic thought experiments about artificial intelligence, like the Turing Test and the Chinese Room, from a lawyerly point of view. If corporations can be human enough to be held liable for defamation, why can't computers?